Hey friends, quick thing off the top here, it's me, your dungeon master, Russ More.
And me.
Oh yeah, we're here too.
And we're all here.
All of us.
We just like, I just like to introduce ourselves, just because we haven't introduced
ourselves yet, so we're going to introduce ourselves.
Allow myself to introduce myself.
I mean, it's basically what we're doing, this is like our pre-introducing ourselves
introduction of ourselves.
That's correct.
What episode are we on right now?
Episode 106, we decided to start pre-introduced.
107.
107, okay, I was pretty good guess.
Pretty close.
Just a little note to make sure to listen right to the end of today's episode, the
very end, so you get all the information.
Because this one is a-
Are there bloops at the end?
There will be a couple good bloops at the end.
Okay, well don't leave before the bloops then.
Okay, so like kind of between the bloops and whatever this message is.
So just listen through all like you normally do, just keep listening until you get all
the information that you need to make the decisions that you need for your life, okay?
And then you'll hear hilarious bloops and it'll all be okay.
Wow, this was mysterious.
On with the show!
Previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Well actually, I have questions.
Nanpah 9, Bureau of Anomalists, Legends, Lore and Spectacles.
We're sort of more like freelancers, we don't necessarily take-
We take our directions from the big guy.
Yeah, normally we kind of just look towards Glim in that book.
Some prophecies say that in the not-so-distant future, a great army of the undead will sweep
over the land led by the shadow.
No, come on.
There's no way.
Hold on, have you met the shadow?
There is strange things afoot and this new prophecy might be the way that we need
to go.
That means we're not doing anything else right now.
We're certainly not going to Celestia.
Nope.
Because we can follow simple direction.
These metal bars crashed to the ground behind you.
Watch out behind you guys!
Look out behind you!
Took you long enough.
Stop fucking around, boys.
You guys were supposed to be here a couple hours ago.
You know, they don't speak monkey.
They couldn't get us across the crater.
It's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Do labels on shirts mean nothing anymore?
Here, have a Werther's.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
He, him.
Also with me today is...
Amy More.
Yes, she, her and I am playing Sullivan Sleight, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
He, him.
And Tom Lair.
He, him.
And I am playing Moot, who is a half-orc wild magic sorcerer who also goes by He, him.
And Carla Maxted.
She, her.
I am playing Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
Also she, her.
And joining us again today, the loveliest of guests who might backstabble you...
It's Lindsey Bowen.
He, him.
Playing Nanpah Nine, an autonome fighter of indeterminate subclass, a kindly older gent
with candies for all.
Kindly seems like a bit of a stretch.
Got all those Werther's though, right?
So that's trustworthy.
I mean, who doesn't love a Werther?
Now, when you asked to see...
Well, you didn't ask to see the labels.
When Smartmonkey showed you his label, it said not evil.
You might have noticed that Nanpah didn't show you his label.
Wonder what it says.
Very evil, I'd assume.
Or just not.
And you have to be standing side by side.
Not evil.
It's a double negative.
Not evil.
Not.
It's very important to show them both at the same time.
That future reference when you are being brought on a destiny, ask to see both labels.
Okay.
Now we know.
You got to learn these lessons the hard way sometimes, I guess.
Our characters are still so young.
That's true.
There's so much they haven't learned yet.
So much.
Like the label rule.
Where you can provide us labels or items or NPCs is over on Patreon, Patreon.com slash
dumb dragon cast, where we take all of those lovely things and turn them magic-like into...
Well, no, we just take them verbatim because they're pretty good ideas and we use them
in the show.
Much better than our own ideas.
Oh yeah, 100%.
But when you are a patron, you also receive an episode dedication, of which today we
are dedicating our episode to Kelly Conrad.
Kelly Conrad.
It's Kelly.
Oh, the alliteration of your name makes me happy.
It's definitely like a comic book character.
Kelly Conrad.
From the Daily News.
Of course.
From the Daily News.
Every day, get that news with Kelly Conrad.
Thank you, Kelly.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, we'd love for you to join us over there.
Rah!
Sorry, I thought we were just going to start growling at them.
No, I just forgot.
I was going to do this at the beginning here, but we started talking about Werther's
and stuff instead.
Lindsay, you have something you want to share with us that sounded really cool.
Tell us a little bit about that.
Sure.
I've got something I can plug.
It's called...
So something I do called the 24-hour plays.
And during the pandemic, we've done the 24-hour plays viral monologues.
It's available on Instagram TV or YouTube.
It's at 24-hour plays at Instagram.
And it's a lot of celebrities and working actors and young actors doing monologues
that have been written and rehearsed and prepared in a single day.
And they're often doing it in their own home.
So you get to see Hugh Dancy in his, like literally his cabbage patch, doing
about him standing in a cabbage patch or Davi Diggs in front of crazy wallpaper in his
house talking about crazy wallpaper or David Cross in a bathtub wearing a sailor's cap.
It's fun stuff and it's a not-for-profit.
And we did it just to give artists and writers something to do during the pandemic
and you should check it out.
Love it.
We'll put links down in the description so you can go find that.
Fuck it.
Let's play.
We've been betrayed.
OK, we're up to date now.
Moot, Glim, and Sully, you find yourselves in a prison cell.
Nampaw Nine standing on the other side of the bars, laying out the tragedies that
have befallen some of Faerun and Toriel as a whole because of the actions of yourselves.
Expect goblins to live in a designated goblin district.
It's apparent on its face.
If you see a little doggie fall through a portal, check to see if that little doggie
has a little boy chasing it.
Just check.
Guys, when he says goblin district now, just like saying it back, it doesn't sound
right.
I, I, I mean, I agree.
At the time though, it seemed…
It seemed like a solution, but it wasn't a solution.
A solution would have been integration with the majority of the population.
Yeah.
However, we were very young, we were just starting out, but I think like this needs
to…
Moot, can you write this down?
This needs to be something we backtrack on.
These are good lessons.
I don't like the trickery and I don't like being in the prison cell, but I do
appreciate sort of the insight that the hindsight is giving us.
Oh yeah, for sure.
They say it's 2030.
I'm glad this is syncing with somebody.
Sonny, take the Werther's.
He hands it out to Glim.
He's real bad with pronouns, that's why he always asks for them.
Oh, thanks.
Don't eat that, don't eat that Glim.
We don't know what's in those.
I'm not going to punish myself by not eating the Werther's one more.
Yeah, but you don't know if it's a Werther's.
Oh, oh you're right.
This guy just locked us in a cage.
He just tricked us.
Don't take something, do not take candy from strangers.
Who would be more strange than this person we thought we knew and is now not the person
we thought we knew?
Is your name even really Nanpa Gnome?
Nine?
You know what, I don't even care to know, I don't even care to know.
Let us out.
I am Nanpa, ninth of his name, and you should just think about what you've done
for a minute.
And he kind of wheels away.
Professor, tell him.
I mean, is anybody getting any of this?
I'm not.
I mean, I feel like they're really trying to express themselves, but I'm not picking
up.
I can tell there's passion behind it, but I just don't.
I'm not getting any of it.
The way I'm not understanding is we were outlined some wrongdoings and sure, yes, that
happened.
Mistakes were made.
But now as we try to fix them, we are bamboozled in a cage.
How is this supposed to change anything?
Yeah.
How is it supposed to change anything?
Yeah, Dr. Monkey.
Nanpa is far away talking, talking to these other weird assemblage of creatures who kind
of came up right as soon as the cage went down.
Yeah, let's just.
Sorry.
Let's talk about those creatures.
I was going to say, take a second and maybe feel free if you want me to jump
in on any.
But if you want to describe them, Lindsay, that would be great.
Sure.
Only one is a human.
He's tattooed from his neck to his toes.
He's wearing a white sort of sleeveless t-shirt, big, big black billowing pants.
He seems to have a tome of some sort on his side and just covered in tattoos.
There's a big tall mantis creature with a wicked looking, looking two headed battle
axe at the ready.
You also see what looks like an ooze carrying a holy symbol.
And you know, I don't know if you can tell if it's a holy symbol, an unholy symbol,
a neutral symbol, but it's definitely kind of religious looking and a little pseudopod
comes out of the ooze, holds up the holy symbol, once while an ear comes out of
the ooze and listens to what someone else is saying and sometimes a head comes out
of the ooze and nods.
Well, certainly there's an interesting collection of folks here.
Are we being punished?
With that, there's a knock at the door.
Now, why would there be a knock at the door?
This is a prison. People can just walk in all the time.
Let's just say there's like bars.
There's not really a door.
Oh, there's like a door.
Like to the to the chamber, right?
To the chamber.
Oh, OK.
You didn't say there was a door when we came in.
A secret rock door you didn't see before it opens.
If you had a dwarf, if you thought to bring a dwarf with you, you would have seen it.
Where's your dwarf?
Where's your dwarf, people?
A human dressed in robes enters.
And looks to the group that's not behind bars and says, Daisy, we'll see you now.
I'm fucking around, I guess.
And then Paul looks a little his face never moves.
He's a robot with no movable features, but his head hangs a little bit.
He looks a little crestfallen as he squeaks after the robe figure.
Time to see Daisy.
I hope he's in the biggest amount of trouble.
Me too. What if he was supposed to just give us dinner or something, and instead he put us in prison?
Can I squeeze through these bars?
I'm a small person.
No, they're jail bars.
You're four feet tall.
It matters how thin I am, not how tall I am.
Okay, so you're six inches thin?
No.
I know how big six inches is, Russell.
That sounded weirdly pointed.
For no particular reason do I know.
Okay, fine.
I can't squeeze through the bars.
Is there...
The bars came from above?
Or below?
You're in an entirely different area.
I said you're in a jail cell.
So bars came down and then they took us to the jail cell.
Oh, well, that part I didn't understand.
Shut up, Tom.
I didn't either.
Fuck you, Tom.
If no one but God agrees that's what happened, did it happen?
I mean, I didn't follow that either, but just hearing Russ like spell it out for you was very funny.
You're not even there.
I was under the impression that we were still in the barge.
Oh, no, I kind of had...
Well, fuck, come on now.
Okay, well, never mind.
I'd like to pick the lock.
You check your pockets and realize that everybody has taken all of your things from you.
All of my things?
All of your things.
What about my rock?
They put you in jail.
Did they take my rock?
What about the stuff in her butt?
Yeah, what about the keistered stuff?
His butt.
Sorry.
That's okay.
It's not a name, his butt.
Or is it?
I'll never tell.
Yeah, what about the secret...
Lockpick that I've keistered?
Yeah.
What about the butt stuff, Russ?
Okay, roll me straight D20.
Above 10, you've got your lockpicks in your butt.
Below 10, you don't have your lockpicks in your butt.
This doesn't seem very fair.
It's 50-50.
It's 10.
You have half of your lockpick set in your butt.
Above and below, he didn't say what happened with 10.
Guys, I can only get 50% of them out.
We're gonna have to work with what we've got here.
Can I roll a disadvantage to pick a lock with only half the amount of lockpicks I need?
As the secret stone door closes, you unkeister half of your lockpick set
and can roll with disadvantage to try and pick the lock.
And did all the baddies go to see Daisy or just...
Everybody, yeah, the whole group left.
Fuck me.
I can't roll above a 10.
Plus slight of hand.
Yeah, so that is a 12.
Yeah, with half of the lockpick set, you are unable to pick this lock.
Guys, they're just too slippery.
Let's just let that sit for a second.
Yeah, yeah, just a long silence after that.
Okay, so...
Come back.
What the heck?
We're trying to help.
I made Russ make a face.
We're trying to help the orb.
So are they the cult?
Is there no cult?
I don't understand.
Is there an orb?
Is this just about punishing us for bad things that we did?
Great question.
This is a great question.
Is there even a fucking prophecy?
We've just been swindled.
I'm mad.
I guess nothing they said could be true.
Melt these bars with your magic.
Oh, can you do that?
Try that.
I mean, I can try.
Okay, great.
All right, stand back.
Yeah, I guess I'll hit it with a scorching ray.
Fuck, I hope a unicorn shows up.
Yeah, but outside the bars.
Okay, so to hit is a 17 on the bars.
You'll hit the bars, yeah.
Perfect.
The bars don't jump out of the way or...
Do you want some damage as well?
Yeah, give me some damage.
That is nine fire damage.
Describe to me how cool Moot looks casting this spell.
I mean, Moot looks super cool.
He...
Oh, sorry, I guess it...
Oh, no, that's right.
It says there's three rays, but yet I roll a two d6s.
All right.
Oh, no, there we go.
Three d6s.
All right, hang on.
There's one more at a four to that.
So 13, I guess.
Sure, even better.
Moot looks super cool doing this to jail cell bars.
He's just got like a torrent of fire coming out of his hands.
Swirling around your hands and you release it towards the bars
and this field shoots up out of...
Almost out of the ground, it seems,
as the fire redirects back towards the three of you
and you each take 13 fire damage.
Wait, we don't share the fire damage among us?
No.
Sharing is caring.
As you fall to the ground coughing and trying to catch your breath,
as the air around you is just ignited,
we transition to another room.
A board room of sorts.
And inside it's wood paneled.
It's like a floral yellow and green wallpaper on the walls.
And in walks Nampaw Nine and Professor Smart Monkey,
followed by their crew.
As this person leads them in,
tells them you can have a seat and Daisy will be in shortly.
Fine, I'll take a kettle of whiskey, but only one.
And under protest.
Kettle of whiskey coming right up.
And he exits through a back door that's like a panel door
that doesn't look like a door.
It's just a secret entrance.
You all sit down and everybody's kind of just silently
looking at each other,
waiting for someone to break the tension.
Well, I've had better days, kids.
The ooze kind of lifts up its ear and the holy symbol
and pulls itself up onto the table slowly.
And Professor Smart Monkey reaches into his pocket
and starts like tossing the chalk up into the air.
You know, they might pay out, Professor.
They might, Nampaw looks around at the rest of the crew.
They might allow you guys, your brains back.
Or maybe we'll just see.
He leans over to the professor and says,
maybe we'll just kill everybody and leave.
Professor Smart Monkey stops at that for a moment.
You know, maybe with those morons in the cage,
we can team up.
Get paid, kick balls, and get the hell out of here.
With that, the back panel door opens up and in walks
a small gnome in a freshly pressed lavender pantsuit.
Hair pulled back into a tight bun.
She hops up onto the chair at the end and says,
well, it looks like you balls
have finally done something right.
Listen, Lick would be nothing without balls.
Don't give me that.
You bureaucrats are nothing.
Lick has the power of Orcus at his side.
Lick does everything Lick needs, but you are called in
just to get the nuisances out of the way.
Balls, balls is the answer.
Balls is always the answer.
Conversations, can I just talk to the monkey?
I don't know why I didn't start with him.
Nampaw wheels himself into the corner and just like sulking.
Professor Smart Monkey looks over to Nampaw Nine.
No, no, no.
You please lead this conversation with Daisy.
I'm done.
Yes, he is very difficult sometimes.
The fact of the matter is you brought them all here
and you're right.
You do deserve your reward.
Yep.
What I want, Daisy.
And he yells from the far corner of the paneled room.
What I want is my team back.
Your team back?
Well, your team is under contract of sorts.
The new right hand, well, I guess he's not new right hand,
but he's very, loves just organization
and having things neat in order.
I mean, you've met Vorunax once and Lipsinki,
she's new around here.
I think she's coming in later today
just to kind of deal with this problem.
What I want is a tag in my chassis
that doesn't say morally questionable.
Well, if you weren't so morally questionable,
we wouldn't have to put that tag on you.
Now would we, Nampaw?
Pay us and let's end this charade.
I don't like you.
You don't like me.
Stop fucking around.
All right, I'll stop fucking around.
She gets up.
She grabs her clipboard
that I forgot to mention when she walks in
and she storms out of the back panel,
slams it behind her.
Your counterparts, their gaze drifts over to you
sulking in the corner
and then over to Professor Smart Monkey
who also is looking troubled
and you hear a click at both doors
as if they are locked.
I love that it's a big cave.
And they're like secret sliding stone doors
and then it's like how when you lock a bathroom.
I'm picturing this super like Dr. Evil cave.
There's probably a stream at some point.
Sure.
There's a hiss that starts
and gas is beginning to fill the room.
And we cut back to Moot, Clem and Sully.
Wait, that was my room, not their room?
Yeah.
I was like, you seem very nonchAlydint,
but we all look at death differently as well.
There's a lot about breathing
and not breathing on my character sheet,
which I shall study as you guys play D&D.
And D&D we shall.
So, oh my God, you guys,
what if it's Ms. Man-Meow-Meow?
You did mention Neverwinter.
Yeah, you called it the Neverwinter,
which was just weird.
But now I feel so bad.
What if it's all because of me
and that stupid ledger
and escaping from prison?
Can I say something?
I know that you stole that
and you shouldn't have.
But if you hadn't have,
we never would have even met.
We never would have met.
None of us would be together.
I mean, that's true.
That's true.
Yeah.
So I feel like it was the right thing,
even though it was the wrong thing.
Well, I mean, she told me to do it,
but she's awful.
And so what if now this is her,
you know, getting me back?
I don't know.
Do you think that she had access
to like a subterranean prison?
It's true.
I don't.
She had her own prison.
Why would she need a second prison?
I don't know.
I know she was very powerful,
like kind of locally,
but I don't know.
This seems like a pretty wide reaching.
Yeah, I guess.
I don't know.
I mean, you could be right.
She could walk through the door right now.
And we all pause and look at the door like.
Just in case.
That would have been pretty cool, though.
Also, guys, can I just apologize
for the fire thing?
Uh, yeah.
I mean, you know, I'm like mostly
only just like hurt me a little bit.
But like, you know,
I thought maybe it might work.
And Sully, you were so
like supportive of the idea.
You know what?
I thought, you know, it looks so cool.
All right.
Well, that's something.
My clothes are ruined, though.
But luckily, I was wearing
the cult robe.
So like my regular good stuff
is still OK.
Actually, I'm just going to take
and he takes off the tattered pieces
of the the robe that he was wearing.
I'm just going to take these off.
Maybe use them as like a weapon
of some kind.
Now it's in strips.
I can like grot somebody with it.
I don't know.
Oh, I would love to see that.
Yeah, I'm going to need a boost.
Yeah, just climb up their back and just.
Do we call someone in here?
Are they going to give us food or?
We cut to a small office.
And Daisy is storming in.
Just horrendously upset
and seated behind the desk
is a gnome with two pigtails
who sees her enter
and Daisy stops and says,
Oh, Lipsinki, I thought
I thought you were coming later.
Oh, well, you know me.
I just show up whenever I feel like it.
Just a little bit early,
a little surprise.
Yeah, well, good, good,
good news on several fronts.
Good news on several fronts.
I love good news.
Yes, I know you do.
Balls, you know,
you know those,
you know, those crazy kids balls.
They brought in the nuisances,
the ones that that orcas
has prophesized will maybe.
The requested new nuisances are here now.
Yes, they are here now.
That is good.
Well, that is good news.
You said you had more good news.
Yes, we are taking care of balls as we speak.
The room is filling with gas.
Eliminate that problem.
Right.
Do you think they're all susceptible to gas?
Well, why wouldn't they be susceptible to gas?
Well, I thought that one little fellow
was kind of like a
mechanical and maybe didn't have
the breathing organs and.
Right, right.
What I forgot to tell you is that
also fire will start after the gas.
Fire will start after the gas
and she opens the door and she's like,
Victor, Victor, remember the fire.
Remember the fire, please.
Third point of order,
that team we sent,
you know, to the moon
to open the gateway to the abyss
and allow the portal power to erupt forth.
Right.
That that is underway as well.
That's great news.
Yes, look, we're just checking off boxes
left, right and center.
You are doing such a good job.
And then all of these portals
will begin opening up and then.
And well, I mean, you say it better than I do,
but I mean, it's time for celebration.
Well, I think like the orcas party
is going to be starting real soon.
Sounds like Vorunax maybe mentioned a
promotion if I managed to do
so many so many good things.
Oh, well, I'm not sure he
didn't mention that to me.
I'm not didn't make it down the chain
when you were having your meetings.
Well, maybe maybe he just forgot.
I'll talk to him next time I see him
and just see if that's important to him
and to orcas.
We cut back to the boardroom
as the room is slowly filling.
You can see it.
It's like water slowly filling
with this green gas.
Professor Smart Monkey looks to Nanpah
with a panicked face.
Nanpah is going to roll over
to Professor Smart Monkey
and hug him from behind.
Like he's like he's doing
a rescue swimming crawl
and says just go limp little buddy.
Go limp and he goes.
This is why they call me pop pop
and you hear pop and a little flap
comes out of the back of his chassis
like the back of a union suit
and then there's a second pop pop
and out of the back of that flap
the whole black ball
that he's been rolling on
suddenly inflates all at once
like a like a slide on an airplane
and suddenly he's 10 feet tall.
He's like a buff Michelin man
and he pulls off his features
from his face
and he puts him on his belly
and he pulls down his fez
to hide his head
and he's just a big dude.
He takes his crossbow
and he takes his shield
and he takes his baseball bat somehow
and he grabs Professor Smart Monkey
and he and he kicks in the door.
Thank you for saying door
and not kicks Professor Smart Monkey.
Takes Professor Smart Monkey
and bashes him against the door.
Just destroys him.
Uses him as a weapon.
Go limp.
Because Nanpa 9 is a rune knight
and he is suddenly large size
and he's way stronger
and he kicks open the door
towards the cage
where Destiny's children watch.
The door erupts open into the the prison area
and Nanpa 9 and Smart Monkey
who's gone limp
and probably is concussed.
Look back at your your team
as the gas is pouring out of this office now
and into this new chamber
that you are walking in
this prison chamber
that you are walking into
and you look back at them
and they're not they're unmoving
like there's they're looking at you
but there's no recognition behind their eyes.
Guys guys nothing nothing.
Come on come on.
None of them.
Mooklem and Sully.
Do you still look like Nanpa 9
when you're big
or is it something like unrecognizable?
He's he's wearing a black
he looks like a buff Michelin man
he's wearing a black suit.
Okay.
He's got the full
the full Russ More vision
of the men in black effect.
Yep.
Is what he looks like
so his head is yoga ball size now
not volleyball sized
and his mustache is kind of proportionate
and his big crossbow is a hand crossbow
and his baseball bat's a billy club.
So busting into this prison
into your prison cell
and now gas pouring in
is Nanpa 9 carrying a gone limp
Professor Smart Monkey.
You see the the three others
in this in this boardroom behind them
based on how this room has exploded out
who appear unmoving
from somewhere beyond you hear like
muffled yelling
but you can't quite make out
what they're saying.
Nanpa yells out
open the Werther's.
Shut the door
you're letting all the poison out.
Or I guess maybe in
in this case.
I guess it depends on
when you want the poison.
Looks sadly at his slack jawed team
and robots don't sob.
But just close slowly closes the door
and looks back at you guys.
I'm gonna open the Werther's
but I'm gonna I'm trying to do it
kind of quietly
because I don't really want
Sully and Moot to know
that I'm doing it
but of course that means
it's like somehow takes 10 minutes
and it's so loud
instead of just like pulling it open.
Sure.
You know you've all been to movies.
You're you're miss.
Yeah we call that the movie theater special.
You are Mr. Bean at church
trying to eat a hard candy.
Yes but I get it open
and then like should I
do you want me to eat it.
I mean I don't.
Oh my god Glim don't eat it.
You open the Werther's
and inside as you hear
the crinkled wrappers
painfully unwrapping
is a key.
Sully it's a key.
That's like your
do you want to do the honors
is probably the gifts out of here.
I mean you can do it
but I'm just like
feeling real bad
I told you not to eat it earlier.
Why did you give us a key
earlier.
You seemed really.
Well actually not eating it
was the right advice.
It's what if I thought
it was a key shaped Werther's.
I mean I don't think
I would have done that
but I may be and
let's unlock the door.
The yelling from down the hall
sounds like it's getting louder
and coming closer.
I try the key in the lock.
And it opens like a
noise happens
and the door swings open
and you're able to step up.
We haven't forgiven you
but let's fucking leave.
I don't expect you to
and let's kill everybody instead
and then leave.
You know what I'm mad enough.
Let's do it.
Glim's that okay.
I mean these are evil guys.
They're real evil
and so are you.
I'm morally questionable
he shows you his tag.
I can't believe that
identification system anymore
everything is a lie.
Really doesn't it check out.
Well I mean isn't that always right.
You know with the leisure
of more time to think about it
I'm sure I'd agree.
However you got a bigger problem.
Did I tell you Orcus
is always naked by the way.
I'm sorry Orcus.
Always naked.
That's your question Moot.
Don't know.
I mean if you could be always
it's really intimidating.
It's a real power move
when you go into shark
it really is standing there
saying I got the money.
What are you going to give me.
Oh yuck.
Okay a side door smashes open
and on the other side
are three cultists with a sword
a sickle and that one has nunchucks.
No big deal.
And they say
stop stop get back in your cell
what are you what are you doing
and charge towards you.
Sully you were up first
three cultists sword sickle nunchucks.
All right I'm going for nunchuck guy.
Chuck.
Okay you have none of your equipment on you.
You have that that.
I do have one thing.
You have your garroting torn robes.
I have better than garroting things you guys.
I looked at my character sheet.
What I truly doubt that they stripped me
of these non-descript cloths
around my wrists being my master's hand wraps.
That's right we've never heard of this
before folks strap in.
Amy's about to read off her character sheet.
Lindsay I hope you know
that this is like a momentous occasion.
I mean it's a long paragraph
no I'm just kidding.
So they're just wraps around my wrists
that they add to my unarmed strikes.
Also when I take an attack action
I can choose to make a special attack as well
lashing out with the extra strips of fabric
and like pulling a creature closer to me.
So it's very exciting.
So I'm going to take an action first
which is going to be obviously an unarmed strike.
I'm going to just like run up
and just like punch jump and punch
nunchuck dude in the face.
All that all that all that lead up
does a wait that's a five does a seven hit.
No had you said anything else maybe eight
would have done it maybe not so much seven
I have a hard time believing
a trained nunchuck cultist has a dexterity of minus two.
Shut up I'm not done my turn.
I'm going to describe what I do.
I run up and I two hand punch on either side of his head
and then just go like I'm blowing seven different kinds of smoke
and then I and then and then and then I um
I disengage as my as my cunning action.
And I and I backwards so you're welcome.
You get to call us next it's going to be nunchuck guy
because I think he's probably a little confused right now
and wants to respond because I think we all are
and I'm really sorry for wasting everyone's time.
I love my favorite.
Yep uh nunchuck is stunned
and takes a moment to collect himself
and it's like seven kinds of smoke.
Like you um can somebody else take this
and he calls to one of his friends
the sickle person beside who's going to
who looks at Nampaw nine and then kind of like
you see this look in his eyes like maybe not yet.
It's above my pay grade.
And charges towards glim.
I mean that's a weird I'm also big and intimidating okay.
But slightly less than a giant robot.
Yeah that's true.
Robot.
Does a 15 hit without armor on.
Oh yeah my chainmail only makes me a 16
and I have an 18 AC so I think it is not.
I think that's all that's all me.
That's all natural baby.
Wow.
Okay yeah then uh yeah he charges over to you
and you dodge out of the way of his of his advance.
I'm gonna throw it to you there glim.
Okay can I try and fire blast him.
Please do.
Oh wait you have to roll.
You need to get uh uh dexed.
Oh I mean that's perfect.
You did your job excellent.
I did it I'm playing D&D guys.
Does that mean you get double damage.
Sure.
No let's not set that precedent.
Some of us roll lots of ones.
For now.
I die.
14 fire damage.
You touch my donkey blast.
Yeah yeah so you like his robes are lit
and he's screaming running around on fire
which is a terrible thing to do but he's doing it
and like runs and hits the bars and knocks himself out.
Moot do something cool.
Okay uh Moot is going to take a look at the nunchuck guy
who's still pretty confused about what happened earlier
and uh he's gonna hit him with a mind spike.
So I'm gonna reach into that confused mind
and you have to make a wisdom saving throw.
Now being so confused are you maybe like yeah disadvantage on that.
He's already confused.
Is it disadvantage?
Sure I rolled a nine.
I mean it's not great and it's not enough to dodge the full damage.
So you're taking 3d8 psychic damage.
Do it.
It's a good spell.
So what you're saying is I confused him enough to make your spell.
Yeah you like listen to the lid on the pickle jar and then he opened it.
You're taking 21 psychic damage.
Oh baby.
As he's focused on the all the kinds of smoke that Sully's blowing
because this is all kind of happening at the same time like you he he goes from confusion to
pain to being on the ground doubling over with his eyes like bulging out of his head and
crumples in silence.
There's one swordsman left.
Nanpah does see this and says whoops bad magic.
You get it.
So right before he started the song, Russ turned around and he had cat's eyes.
Yeah it was really spooky.
When he looked into the camera.
Scary stuff.
Darkness falls across the land.
Yeah and then Vincent Price showed up so.
Yeah it's getting weird over here you guys.
I'm scared.
Just a classic January kind of thriller thing.
It's just a Jan thriller.
You know what we Jan you okay I'm just gonna keep talking over top of everybody here.
Perfect.
We're glad to be back here in January.
I know we were only off for a literal week but it felt like much longer than that.
Through the magic of recording in advance we were off for longer than a week and
it was delightful.
It was very good.
We had a good break.
We hope you had a good break too.
We're in the middle of this episode where we teased off the top that you should
listen right through to the end because some wild and crazy things are happening
and will continue to happen through the last little bit of this episode.
So just a reminder that there will be explanation after the episode.
Hold your questions until the end please.
No questions yet.
But then if you have questions like feel free to hop on over to discord ask your
questions but all will be revealed.
That's right.
Put them in the spoiler chat if they're explicitly spoilers.
Yes.
And you can even use that extra spoiler tag.
Yeah yeah yeah.
And feel free to be mad at me specifically if anything happens.
Not me.
I don't handle confrontation well but if you want to take all that pent up
feeling and just give it give it to Russ that's fine.
Yeah we'll give you a little tip.
It gets easier the more you get mad at Russ.
The first time feels wrong but then when you keep having to go back to the well
like it really becomes second nature.
So what else can we say.
We've kind of really teed this up I think higher than it's going to be.
I agree.
So just like everything's cool don't worry about it.
Just go back listen to the whole episode.
Listen to the next 20 minutes.
One and a half time speed if you want.
It's fine.
No there's some cool stuff that happened.
Okay don't listen.
Listen on half speed then.
Don't listen.
That makes it sound like you're a robot.
So just listen to at the regular speed you enjoy listening.
Yes all right.
You live your life I think is what we're the constant message.
That's the one.
And then join us at Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast.
Okay thanks bye.
So yeah Nanpah's kind of at the far end of the cavern from the rest of them
but really big he's going to very tenderly put down the professor
and stride over to just try to get really in the middle of everybody if he can.
He wants to be near as many of the Destiny's children as he can
and he wants to you know get in front of Sickle
and just bash him in the face with his billy club
and say I've been waiting to do this forever bureaucrats.
And he's going to roll and it's a dirty 20.
Yeah that's going to hit give me some damage.
That's 12 damage of billy club in the face.
His face is crushed in as this billy club connects
and his head spins around and is unrecognizable from what he was before.
The three guards have all been dispatched and you hear
or I guess Nanpah 9 recognizes the voice of Daisy calling down.
Things aren't going well.
I probably didn't deserve the promotion
but you should probably just come help me deal with this
because I'm just a bureaucrat.
Well now you told me it was all good news.
Now you tell me it's bad news.
What's the bad news?
They've escaped.
I'm sorry you had them here and they have escaped.
Well maybe maybe.
How about I go see for myself.
Would you like me to come with you and escort you to show you the way?
Yes please let's go quickly.
You hear high heeled footsteps walking down towards your prison cell.
How do we get out of here Nanpah?
Where are all my stuff?
That's also a good question.
And can the professor use his magic and get us out of here all at once?
Professor's in bad shape.
I'm gonna have to carry him.
Your stuff is down the hall in the evidence room
and Nanpah uses his big long rubbery feet to kick down another door.
Let's go get us stuff.
I don't know that this is the way to the evidence room
but this was the most rickety door.
Let's try it.
You crash out into a hallway and some other bureaucrats
kind of run scatter out of the way and scream running down the hall.
The hallway is clear.
People dive into offices and you hear these quick footsteps
being followed by slower paced ones more moderately paced ones
coming down from the left and you see a doorway
that has a big sign that says evidence in here off to the right.
I would really like to get my sword and everything else.
Let's just get in there and then get out.
It's just this way Lipsinki.
I don't think it'll take as long to get here
and I hear there's a crashing door and people screaming.
That probably means something's happening.
All right I want you to maybe get behind me when we get in there.
Drop him back.
Is the door to the evidence room unlocked Ross?
Can we just open it?
It opens up and there's it's filled with all sorts of weapons
and mystical artifacts and tomes and maps.
And pa yells actually if you see the orb you should probably grab it.
Fuck your orb.
That's what got us in this situation the first place.
Yeah it's a good orb.
Grab it.
Do I see the orb anywhere?
Do we see our stuff anywhere?
I'd like to grab random things.
Yeah I want to roll a D100 and just grab something
and we'll figure out what it is later.
Oh that's fun.
I've made my roll.
I've written down the response.
I'll let you know when it is time.
Me too.
Remember it's a purple.
Okay everybody's got their random things.
Okay who you're specifically looking for?
I'll take lead on the orb
because I don't really have equipment per se.
Okay you roll me in an investigation for the orb.
Everybody else you are able to find pretty quickly your things
as they're newly added items they're just kind of tossed on top.
That's 15 for the investigation.
Rooting around quickly you hear the footsteps
and like a sinister laugh coming from a very southern sounding gnome
who rounds a corner and you see before you lip-synchy a giant
not giant would you describe?
He's guarding the door.
A giant robot guarding the door so you don't see everybody else
but you see this robot before you.
So Nampa you also see who you recognize as lip-synchy
coming around the corner who is Vorunax's right left hand
you know right hand and Vorunax is the right hand to Orcus.
Well well well.
Welcome to the party child you look different in clothes.
Well now what are you guys trying to do?
And I'm going to attack myself what have you done to me Russ?
I'm going to.
Well you're attacking a robot right now you don't know
that you don't see the other ones behind them.
I'm in the way of the door.
Well he can't block the whole door does he?
He's giant.
The big robot and it's a normal door.
Okay well I'm not gonna do the thing I was gonna do
and instead I'm going to Eldritch blast him.
All right.
Does a 24 hit?
That is gonna hit.
That only does six damage not so bad.
Ow everybody inside you hear Nampa yell
and the sound of this sweet sounding individual
who might have hurt him outside.
You okay big man?
Y'all want to come out here?
I've been dying to meet you.
How close is is lip-synchy to Nampa?
A longish hallway distance.
All right so he is carefully gonna put his billy club
down beside the slumped body of the professor.
Hold this fest and pull out his hand crossbow
and shoot it at lip-synchy.
That's a three on the die.
I don't think any bonus is gonna help that.
That's an eight does an eight hit.
It does not.
So close though I bet.
Lindsay welcome to my world.
But I get two attacks per action
because I'm a fighter.
Does a 21 hit?
Oh it does.
Seven damage a little bit more than you did.
All right y'all come out come out wherever you are.
Russ have I been able to track down this orb yet?
Fired back and forth you would have found the orb.
Nampa you said this expands and makes portals
is that something we can do right now?
Have to ask the professor.
Okay and I like crawl beside Nampa's leg
and like grab the professor
try to like bring him into the little room with us.
Does lip-synchy just see like a hand groping
between the legs of this giant robot
and like grab the limp monkey and drag him through?
Wait can I see lip-synchy
through my vantage point through the legs?
I mean not clear shot
but you definitely would see a figure.
We've described lip-synchy before
but like long pippy long stocking pigtails
and what's lip-synchy wearing these days?
You tell me Carla.
Oh I think still just like classic overall
just like a jean dungaree overall.
Yeah right love it.
Okay well yeah I mean while I'm
before I grab the professor
I throw some magic missiles off towards lip-synchy.
All right.
So those are gonna auto hit.
Those auto hit and I'll roll you some damage.
Unless lip-synchy has anything powerful against those
but I don't think that's.
I don't think so.
So it was a three three and a one
so that's seven force damage.
Oh each one gets a plus one so ten force damage.
Lip-synchy you see a hand reach out
to grab the monkey but then just like
a face peek out
and three magic missiles come careening towards you
which knocks you a little bit off bAlydince.
And I grab the monkey
and also I'll roll for my wild magic surge.
Please do.
Oh it's a nat 20 so I think that was good.
Fine.
Wanted a unicorn show.
I mean it would have been great.
I'm gonna give lip-synchy another go here
as you get hit by magic missiles.
Monkeys being dragged back in
as you kind of correct yourself.
I think I'm gonna cast wall of light.
Okay.
So this is a very bright large thick wall.
Sorry it's like nine thousand words long.
No it's wall of text.
You're reading wall of text.
Each creature in its area.
Just finish after the first couple words
like rest of it.
That's right.
A shimmering one done.
There you go.
Perfect.
Everyone in the area needs to make a con saving throw.
How far is the area?
Yeah 120 feet.
Okay.
60 feet long 10 feet high 5 feet thick.
I gotta roll with this.
Oh that's me too.
Oh shit I did this to myself.
Professor smart monkey rolled a nat 20
but then I realized he was partially unconscious
so I rolled with this advantage
and he got a two.
I mean that's less great.
Probably with a plus but you know.
13.
Glim got a 14.
And what I was looking for was a 17.
Oh fuck.
17.
So you guys are gonna.
Well moot rocked it.
He got a 22 so.
Okay then I think you just take half damage.
Oh perfect we're all gonna die.
With moot save with moot save though
and he's like dragging the monkey.
Does he not protect the monkey at all?
Well no it's like a wall of light right?
So I suppose listen I'm just grasping at straws here.
Just trying to save the monkey.
The only one who knows how to use a stupid orb.
Yep though Nanpa suddenly realizes
the problem with having pince nes sunglasses
and rolls a six.
So great news I had bad rolls.
It was a 14.
Oh well actually I'm sorry.
I rolled I looked my character sheet wrong.
He rolled an 11.
It's still gonna fail and still looks really silly.
And there's pince nes sunglasses
and being blinded by the light over the top of the sunglasses.
Adding insult to injury here.
So 14 except for moot will take half.
So did I just kill myself?
Sorry I have to take 14 damage?
That's correct.
Does that take you below zero?
No I have four left over.
Right around you guys.
But like this jolt of pain like woke this monkey up right?
Oh yeah monkeys fired up.
And he's kind of stumbling around
and he's looking at you like grab
with his tiny hands grabbing your shoulders moot.
And I like I hold the orb out too
and say get us out of here professor.
Grabs the orb and
and like claps his hands onto the orb
which sends out this wave that disperses the light
and quickly moot glim sully and professor smart monkey
snap out of the room and suddenly you appear
in a clearing in a forest.
Just kind of thrown to the ground.
Guys I'm not doing very good.
Is everyone okay?
No Sully's like bleeding from the mouth.
Probably yours.
Where's Nampa?
But what you didn't see is that
as the edge of this portal you know sort of starts to grow out
you see Nampa pull off his fez and swing it
like slim pickings riding the missile at the end of
at the end of Doctor Strangelove
and just rushes after Lipsinki and says
see you on the other side smart monkey.
As the four of you collect yourselves in the clearing
realize that Nampa is not there
and smart monkeys like panic like hitting at the orb
and it's not doing anything.
You look up and you see that it's kind of dusk
and the moon is bright in the sky
and there's this crack that rings out everywhere
and starting in the center of it like this purple black energy begins to
roil out across the face of the moon until it's completely covered
and emitting like these long tendrils of energy that begin moving
moving seemingly moving towards you and the land below.
Is anyone seeing this?
You're all seeing this right?
That doesn't look normal.
Just panicked.
I put a hand on Sully and heal him.
20.
That feels nice.
Oh thanks Glim that feels nice.
Oh gosh.
You're welcome but I think we probably have
a little bit of a situation happening so.
Monkey what's wrong with the moon?
Professor smart monkey looks at the orb and looks at the moon and
just shrugs.
Well it can't be good.
Oh is there anything in your book Glim?
I'll open my book is there any new words?
There's no new words.
The next page after the scrawled note that you found earlier is a burnt black page.
You're all looking down at the book and the camera begins to
to move up and out of this clearing and we begin to hear low droning moans coming from
everywhere and nowhere all at the same time as it pans up and further into the air and we see
undead coming out of doors and villages in the surrounding area.
Nanpa 9 said that the orcus is always naked.
Dumbgeons and Dragons season 2 episode 105 starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Max dead as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot and Russ More as your dungeon master with special guest Lindsay Bowen
as Nanpa 9.
Editing, production and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin McLeod and Epidemic Sound and sound effects from
Epidemic Sound, Boom Library and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok, Cat Waterflame,
Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Devin Michaels, Craig Zeiss, Aaron Stevens,
Darylith, Lulahan and Sharlee Warley.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions at Patreon.com slash dumb
dragon cast.
You'll also receive bonus episodes and a full exclusive podcast called The Adventures
of run by Tom with characters played by Amy, Carla and I.
We hope to see you over there.
You can also follow us at facebook.com slash dumb dragon cast and on Instagram
and Twitter at dumb dragon cast.
Thank you for listening.
Have a great week.
We'll talk again soon.
So you made it to the end.
You did it.
Thank you for staying.
We asked you to and you did.
You're the best.
You're so good.
So some things happened.
Yeah, things went down.
I hope there's no one.
I know people in my life who read books by flipping to like the last chapter
and seeing if they like the way it ends before they invest the time into reading it.
So I hope you weren't one of those people that now have like flipped ahead
and were like, oh, some stuff happened.
Yeah.
But if you are, you did it to yourself.
So I was gonna say that's on you.
You made a choice.
We constantly said to live your life the way you want to live your life and you did so.
But what has happened is the darkest timeline has begun.
How's everybody feeling?
A little shaken up.
Yep.
Yeah, just fantastic overall, except for that part.
Yeah.
So the safe space of the babies is still thriving.
If you have only been listening to Mooglum and Sully,
we would love for you to join us at season two, episode 98,
where the story picks back up in the future timeline.
If that makes any sense to you.
It picks back up in the future.
That's correct.
Yeah.
Yes.
If you've been listening to both streams, then just keep listening as you are.
Keep doing your thing.
We'd love for you to keep doing that.
If you want to get the full experience,
go on back and listen to all of the episodes straight on through.
Lots of tons of goofs.
So many.
A few tears.
We've got it all.
Yep.
But from here on out, it will be one consistent story,
which is set in the quote unquote darkest timeline.
Before wild and crazy things might or might not happen.
We haven't played that far ahead.
We're pretty far ahead, but not quite that far ahead.
So we don't even know what's going to happen.
Good things.
Fun things.
It's our job to make it OK.
That's right.
True.
No pressure.
If they had one job, this is it.
We got this, guys.
We got it.
Thank you so much for being here with us.
Thank you so much for experiencing Mooklim and Sully with us.
Mooklim and Sully aren't going anywhere.
They're still kicking.
They're still fighting.
They're still going to be in one shots here and there.
And then who knows what happens in the future?
Or the past.
Hit those bloops.
Fire in the bloops.
Bloop.
No, no, no.
You please lead this conversation with Daisy.
I'm done.
I did this to myself.
Thank you.
No, I did it to you, but you know.
You assisted.
So popcorn.
Lindsay, you're aware of our popcorn initiatives situation?
OK, cool.
Lost you again.
Yes.
I figured that was a yes.
But yes, I just want to make sure.
OK, cool.
It was just a no.
And I have no further questions.
No.
I'll figure it out as we go.
Mooklim, Sully, Professor Smarty Pants.
Nope.
Professor Smartmug.
Fox, Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.